I am split,
Stripped bare and prickly,
Unmoored and abandoned, a boat out of water,
Am having trouble seeing things clearly, and for what they are. What is grief, what is diversion, what is the truth in all these emotions? Where is my dad?
Trained to be strong, to deny feelings, I am determined to ride the waves of emotions, to go through another loss that brings up all the others, and to continue to live and love through it all.
I’m calling on angels, calling on loved ones who’ve helped me through this week, I’m calling on writing to make sense of this chaos. And reaching to my readers who might say, “I know what she means, I’ve felt that too.”
Wild Nature of New York 
I’ve felt that, too. Had missed this news. Sending love.
John Gibson
LikeLike
My dear Stephanie, I can only imagine how you’re feeling right now, but please know that sisterhood is strong, and we are sending you love and light during this time. Call on us at any time:)
LikeLike
I’m feeling it! So sad to miss your visit but with my sister’s birthday and my Monday night writing class, it’s impossible! Hope you have a great time with George.
LikeLike
You are a very strong woman. The loss you feel is natural, an orphan at this point in time. Your heart is open so the pain of the loss is right there, however time will help you deal with the immediate pain and focus on the beautiful aspects of your Dad and what he meant in your life without the strong jolts of loss taking it over. I am thinking of you, always here for you!
LikeLike
You are a very strong woman. The loss you feel is natural, an orphan at this point in time. Your heart is open so the pain of the loss is right there, however time will help you deal with the immediate pain and focus on the beautiful aspects of your Dad and what he meant in your life without the strong jolts of loss taking it over. I am thinking of you, always here for you!
LikeLike
Thank you Dixie. Am actually doing okay, trying not to be too public about grief, but am inspired by the depth of felling and sometimes writing is the best way for me to get it out.
LikeLike
Woah, you have found the words and pictures to describe what I thought was almost beyond description. All I can say is “Yes, I have felt that, too.”
LikeLike
The best part of it is that we are not in this alone and you are a wonderful support. If we don’t know yet what it feels like, we will….just live long enough.
LikeLike
I’d say you’re doing the exact right thing, Stephanie! You’re seeing the split, you feel what’s missing and you relate to it in a poetic way that comes completely naturally.
I’m very sorry to hear about your loss.
LikeLike
Thank you. Sympathy goes a long way at a time like this, even from kind strangers, although because of your blog, I at least know what you’re interested in, even if I don’t know you!
LikeLike
Sorry I didn’t respond to your comment before on my father’s passing. I really appreciate sharing the words and images with the chaos of feelings, and knowing I have readers, like you, who can relate.
LikeLike
Sometimes you need to know if that person is ok. I missed my mother so much that I had trouble going to the grocery store because I shopped for her, and I couldn’t go back to places we went together, Then, I went to Santa Fe and went to a church there and I felt that she was ok. I guess you look for a sign, plus I like the Catholic churches and her name was Mary, so it all worked that way for me.
LikeLike
Thank you, Lynn. My signs usually come in dreams and I am paying attention! And I live in the NY neighborhood where he grew up. When he used to visit NY, we took walks that I called walking down memory lane. I can go there, because we have not been out much for a few years as he has been pretty close to home. Now he’s free, I believe.
LikeLike
I have definitely felt that way, too, Stephanie. Grief comes in waves, and if I surrender to that rhythm, I eventually feel a lessening of the sharpness of the pain. It helped me to actually talk aloud to my departed loved ones, and I was surprised by the ways I felt they had answered and made their presence known. This gave me hope that we would indeed meet again, and this decreased my despair as I felt them often with me. I pray that God will comfort you, strengthen you, and wrap peace around you.
LikeLike
Thank you for your lovely words and thoughts, Jan. I am surrounded by goodness and my blog brings in more, and I trust as the days go by, I will be in peace around this.
LikeLike
Sometimes the most difficult part about loss is mourning the last hope of what could have been and never was and now will never be and all of the feelings connected to that. I truly understand Stephanie . What is amazing is the persoyou are and the firm evidence that we can grow and be that which we admire and live a beautiful, positive, loving life filled with the wonder of it all with an incredible capacity to enjoy every living thing, to see beauty everywhere, to really SEE, and to be able to give of yourself in your inimitable ways. (and please don’t think that I am not aware of this run on sentence!) It takes strength to embrace all the feelings that human beings are capable of and it sometimes feels as if one is canceling out the other , but it isn’t so. It is the complexity of being human and conscious. Love, Saundra
LikeLike
Dear Stephanie,
I am sending you much love, and light, and lightness too, in this heavy time.
Even if your heart has been stretched so much by this experience it feels like it’s broken, your entire cosmic support system is here to remind you that you remain whole, and you are very much loved.
Hoping you can feel my long-distance hug,
Anna
xoxo
LikeLike
I’m feeling the long distance hug! In the last two blog posts, I attempted to put words and images with grief and even more complicated feelings as my training is to NOT feel. It’s strange to have made it public but my blog is about being human, al tose experiences, and loss is one that garners so much response and love from my friends and readers. Thank you, Anna, with love…
LikeLike
Hello Stephanie, Long time no see and I’m very
sorry to hear about your loss. The way you expressed this was so beautiful and poignant. Even out of death comes beauty and you managed to capture that perfectly. If you’re in Dallas look me up. I would love to see you. All the best my dear.
Anne
LikeLike
Thank you so much, Anne! Some seem to think I am falling apart in trying to put words and images with the feelings of grief, but I’m only attempting to express the universal, and I can see by your response, you got my intentions…. No plans to be in any part of Texas soon but if I get there, I will definitely plan on seeing you. Or if you come to NY, here I am! Love,
LikeLike